chasing the dream

2012-01-18T19:20:00.000-08:00

on this day when everything seems wrong
god is still good
on this day when the phone rings and my head goes hot and my body cold with dread
god is still lovely
on this day when my heart hurts for the broken things and the broken people
god is still holy
on this day when i'm certain nothing can fix the overwhelming number of messed up situations
god is still enough. enough to cover my sin and theirs. enough to fix, mend and heal.

i will rest in that

2011-12-13T21:48:00.000-08:00

dad just told me about a woman named alice who was their "help" when he was a child.
i knew it was closer than i thought...

even if it doesn't fix a thing

2011-11-16T23:02:00.000-08:00

"i'm happy" she says
i can only see sadness in her eyes
not sure what injured her once upon a time
worried that she'll chase empty things and never realize who she is
i've seen it before
in the eyes, the dancing, the fears
even in the way they love

i wish i had a word for it that satisfied me
but i don't
i think "broken"
but it's too shallow, not enough to make them miss the whole point
unaffirmed
perhaps yes...but how is that less shallow than broken?

and then i see

this is my do over
this is where i get it right
finally

resonance

2011-09-26T10:13:00.000-07:00

my friend whit posted this quote by his dad on fb this morning.

"I live in the creative world of possibilities!
my head in the clouds, my body in a nightmare"

2011-09-10T22:54:00.000-07:00

oh christian, it is not death to die. -j.p.

2011-08-25T15:51:00.000-07:00

i.love.teaching.ballet.

i remember vaguely feeling this way last fall. but i mostly remember being terrified by all the newness of my job and feeling deeply the fear my students were enduring being in a completely new environment. i see the nerves and fear in my dear little freshies this year. bless their hearts. i'm hoping and praying that my security in who i am and what i have to offer eases the tension sooner than last year...

it was eye opening last spring when one of my girls asked, "so, do you like this class now?" what do you say to that? i never disliked it...i was just trying to find myself, i suppose. i have formed a deep bond between those kids with whom i traveled that path of firsts. i love them fiercely and they love me. i will do anything in my power to see them succeed in all that God has for them.

looking around my room of aspiring ballerinas (and my hilarious boys who are talented, but so clueless...) today i was reminded of how far my kids from last year had come. there are a thousand nuances, ideas, concepts and pet peeves to be learned by my new kids. i felt so overwhelmed, i simply skipped certain exercises (like frappes, for example) deciding they needed small doses of ms. gordon at a time. dissertations on the importance of the wrapped foot can wait. i want so badly for them to stay open and ready to receive what i have to offer. the differences in how we teach at bu compared to what most of them have received is often a turn off and i see the hardness to new ideas in the beginning. i encountered more attitudes today than i hope to for the rest of the year. i am amazed at what boundaries, spoken or not, do for the insecure, stone faced, high noses i usually encounter on day one. under that exterior is usually a frightened little dancer eager to please and improve.

the blossoming process, though sometimes long and drawn out, is so very rewarding. for now i'm in a frenzy to learn their names before ballet mag starts and i have a new set of 30 girls staring at me in (sweet ;) defiance.

i kind of set out to articulate within this post the joys of working within one's anointing and calling...oh well. i'll try again another day. i have a lot to say about that "sweet spot" idea.

2011-08-23T19:50:00.000-07:00

no guilt in life, no fear in death.
these words have been running in circles in my head.

also

i saw a poster that said:
the meaning of life
1. be happy
2. make other people happy

and it got me thinking...in what way can i sum up the meaning of my life so simply?
this is what i came up with...kind of the culmination of my experience with the lord this summer (intense study and life based on phil. 3)
the meaning of my life:
1. love God
2. help others to love God

first day of school tomorrow. *excited*

2011-08-19T06:00:00.000-07:00

i had nightmares all night
of babies being shot before my eyes
nephews being ripped away
mothers crying

and oddly...twins. adult twins talking to their mother

i woke up breathing hard with tears running down my cheeks...confused
until i opened my blog
please pray with me

http://rachelsuzking.blogspot.com/

2011-08-16T20:47:00.000-07:00

i wrote this 4 years ago today

"it's like casting your net out and waiting to see what comes back.
you absolutely know there is so much out there
but you have no idea what's going to come floating in
tangled up in the net of emotions, circumstances and times
you just wait for the net to get so heavy that you're about to drop it
and then you pull, knowing it's going to be full and beyond what you imagined"

today my heart rejoices in his goodness, and my cup is running over, and my imagination has been blown repeatedly

2011-07-20T15:52:00.000-07:00

“A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight,

and his punishment is that he sees the

dawn before the rest of the world.”

Oscar Wilde

calling

2011-06-28T20:05:00.000-07:00

tonight we were discussing eph. 2, i think, maybe 4. but either way, it was talking about being "worthy of the call" and everyone began discussing what our callings are/were. i think we think in terms of smaller, more practical things like vocation, location, etc. and these things are def. not insignificant. but i wonder what kind of people we would become if we understood that our calling in life, above all else is to love jesus. and the rest is a loss. a loss...can we possible grasp that. the ways and places in which we are to love jesus will come and fall neatly in place as we worry less about them and concentrate only on loving jesus.

momma knows best

2011-06-27T19:32:00.000-07:00

spent the evening on the phone with my mother crying my eyes out
she said everything i knew in my heart that i simply couldn't bring myself to believe
she re-instilled in me the confidence she had built over the years of my childhood
she reminded me who i was and who i wasn't and who i should expect to be
she told me everyone is broken and i shouldn't let that break me
she apologized for life being hard and told me it would get easier
she encouraged my heart and told me i am excellent for trying
she said that through my work i would feel his delight
she reminded me to always think on what is good--esp. about those around me
she insisted that i encourage everyone and build them up--this is the only way you will feel good about yourself
she sympathized with and laughed at my tears
she held me with her words and mended me with her wisdom

i would be lost without her

2011-06-08T17:26:00.000-07:00

i miss the semester. my children. ballet. teaching. planning. the stress. i am so looking forward to august...
i'm about to start traveling for the summer. it is my lot in life and i am embracing it while i still have this freedom (there is nothing pending that would keep me from travel, just to be clear). eventually i think i will feel the need to get a "big girl job" and work through the summer. i am happy for the experiences that are about to take place. for the dances i will take on and people i will meet. but there is a tug in my heart to stay put. it is growing. every year.
i am slowly but surely getting everything accomplished to go. house is becoming organized, bags are getting packed, errands run and people are being put in place to take care of things while we are away. i am learning choreography for the seattle portion of my trip, buying necessary items for the japan part and getting my body in order for the rest of it. etta james, frank sinatra and michael buble are the soundtrack to the summer.
i now have a meeting that will change the face of my life for the fall. more reconfiguring in my brain tonight, i imagine. life is an endless reconfiguration to our expectations. i don't know why it still catches me off guard. "prepared" is a figment of my imagination. of all of our imaginations. trust. higher power. goddess. spirals, not circles. we get a little closer each time around.

cheers

2011-06-06T12:49:00.000-07:00

strange things happen when your wants begin to change. a lifetime of habitual thinking has to be overhauled. the heart has to learn a new way to rest/feel anxious. old fears disappear while new ones begin to formulate. it's like an emotional adventure. a few bumps and bruises along the not-so-smooth path. hopefully worth it when you finally begin to see what you really wanted all along.

2011-05-20T20:27:00.001-07:00

The love of Christ in its sweetness, its fullness, its greatness, its faithfulness, passeth all human comprehension. Heaven on earth is abounding love to Jesus. This is the first and last of true delight to love him who is the first and the last. To love Jesus is another name for paradise.

comfort

2011-04-04T08:31:00.000-07:00

Death be not proud, though some have called thee
Mighty and dreadfull, for, thou art not so,
For, those, whom thou think'st, thou dost overthrow,
Die not, poore death, nor yet canst thou kill me
From rest and sleepe, which but thy pictures bee,
Much pleasure, then from thee, much more must flow,
And soonest our best men with thee doe goe,
Rest of their bones, and soules deliverie.
Thou art slave to Fate, Chance, kings, and desperate men,
And dost with poyson, warre, and sicknesse dwell,
And poppie, or charmes can make us sleepe as well,
And better then thy stroake; why swell'st thou then?
One short sleepe past, wee wake eternally,
And death shall be no more, death, thou shalt die.
(emphasis mine)

2011-03-14T17:31:00.000-07:00

Haikus are easy
But sometimes they don't make sense
Refrigerator

2011-03-07T16:00:00.000-08:00

reflecting on this day i'm finding it interesting that i know two young men who share my birthday and both have the name joseph. "joseph" has been spoken over my life since i was 15 years old. march 7. it's a dreamer day.

2011-02-07T17:50:00.000-08:00

i am reminding myself today that the student who stands with arms crossed, staring at me with challenging eyes and weight dropped into one hip as i explain concepts and ideas of movment is simply overwhelmed with insecurity and uncertainty about all that is being asked of her. i will embrace this insecurity and do all that is in my power to free her from it by supplying the information that is missing.

breathing in and out helps in this process. the arms are still crossed at week 4.

2011-01-21T15:45:00.000-08:00

Staring at her amazing work and thinking that maybe this isn't it either. Hm.

feet

2011-01-19T17:49:00.000-08:00

i look down in rehearsal and class and see my brother's feet
attached to my body
moving, sometimes awkwardly against the floor
against gravity

it's odd to see someone else's body part on myself
but they just don't look like mine any more

2011-01-02T04:55:00.000-08:00

why, i wonder, is it that new things still have the ability to knock the wind out of me and render me scared out of my mind?

2010-12-21T03:30:00.000-08:00

wrapped my first christmas gift this evening (in newspaper.... in the name of greenness)
looking over my homemade presents i wonder what it's all about
family
love
togetherness
simply existing side by side

i think yes.

the stresses will be put aside
the hardest parts of the season will be over
thankfulness will abound along with overflowing stockings
we will share gifts and stories
miss the absent ones and embrace the present

for a day we will rest

cost

2010-12-07T19:35:00.000-08:00

"dream" you said
he did
he bled

"dream again" you said
he did
it died

"now i will dream for you" you said
he waits

2010-11-12T18:42:00.000-08:00

I forget that death if life and life is death. What I despise about this reality will be overcome by life itself. It is not life I despise. Though I long for the end. I forget that I desire life, not death.

For while we are in this tent, we groan and are burdened, because we do not wish to be unclothed but to be clothed with our heavenly dwelling, so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life.

unbroken

2010-11-03T19:53:00.000-07:00

waiting for the day
that all is unbroken
systems, people, institutions, hearts, love

adulthood

2010-10-28T17:39:00.000-07:00

i think what i'm experiencing currently is something akin to buyer's remorse. what am i doing here? why did i leave behind what i did? does what i'm dong right now matter? where am i going?

the answers to all of those questions are remarkably positive so i've taken quite some time to answer them over the last weeks. to keep the panic from taking over (and to keep from heading back to texas (or japan...which has been unexpected)) i keep focusing on the facts that 1)i'm teaching and dancing in a place that was prepared for me long before i arrived and am living out a huge part of my destiny, 2)there are bigger things for me than bsa had to offer, 3)i speak into lives on a daily basis and take this privilege very seriously. these students are the future...that's pretty huge, and 4)i'm not going anywhere...and that's new and ok and wonderful.

i'm not going anywhere. i'm here. for, perhaps, the first time in my life i am stopping to be. and grow. and grow things up beyond growing myself. for the moment i've stopped asking, "what next? where to now?"

2010-10-27T18:12:00.000-07:00

glee is becoming my sunshine...

i've got nothing

2010-10-26T20:36:00.000-07:00

if you remain silent
i will be like those who have gone down to the pit

28.1

resonance

2010-10-23T13:49:00.000-07:00

a friend quoted this:
"For we are so little reconciled to time that we are even astonished at it. 'How he's grown!' we exclaim, 'how time flies!' as though the universal form of our experience were again and again a novelty. It is as strange as if a fish were repeatedly surprised at the wetness of water. And that would be strange indeed; unless of course the fish were destined to become, one day, a land animal." C.S. Lewis

then said this:
"I can never seem to get reconciled to making sense of this existence where there is past and present...presence and absence."

i concur. though he was speaking of absence in the sense of death, it made me think of the ache that constantly exists in me for people and countries. i think there will come a time when we are wholly present everywhere at all times. that is something extraordinary to look forward to.

2010-10-18T20:17:00.000-07:00

some days i find myself searching for connections
anything to make sense
to connect and draw lines

tonight was a good night of connections.

2010-10-09T20:25:00.001-07:00

dear friends lost their little girl in a car accident yesterday.
it's hard to make sense of what has happened
please pray.

2010-10-05T05:24:00.001-07:00

God nowhere holds a person responsible for having the heredity of sin, and does not condemn anyone because of it. Condemnation comes when I realize that Jesus Christ came to deliver me from this heredity of sin, and yet I refuse to let Him do so. -o.c.

2010-10-03T16:24:00.000-07:00

sometimes i have to stop and figure out if i need to think about going home for christmas or going home for the summer because i'm confused about what season we're in. it's the cycle i live. time to think about changing it up. if the weather would get organized, that would help too.

i feel

2010-09-22T19:58:00.000-07:00

i'm wiped out
but life is continuing on!!
mid-term assessments are around the corner. it's still mind blowing for me to be on this end. the work load as times is ridiculous...but well worth the growth and life i see blossoming in my students. i love them. i don't think i let them know enough.

on friday i'm heading out of town to dance in georiga. i'm looking forward to bonding with some of the girls in my ensemble. and performing is nice too. especially something as lovely as brittany nunes.

talk had our first (un??)official show today. i think we shocked each member of the business conference attendees into full awakeness at 9 am. they never knew what hit'em.

lastly, realizing again that fretting about things we have no control of get us nowhere fast. letting go/softening is a daily exercise. figuring out what to hold onto is key.

look!

2010-09-20T19:43:00.000-07:00

all

things

are

new

today.

2010-08-30T20:37:00.000-07:00

sometimes i wonder why i'm still spinning circles in the exact same spot
it's frustrating, humbling, and terrifying
but god reminded me that the circles are different and new each time
carrying me, if i let them, in wider arcs, closer to correctness
closer to the path he has
maybe less circular
more linear
my desire is great
my will is weak
and my god is bigger still than all of these

H. Thompson

2010-08-27T19:47:00.000-07:00

“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body,

but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy $*!#…what a ride!’”

yes.

2010-08-25T18:39:00.000-07:00

"i love you. hold onto that."

if--r. kipling

2010-08-23T17:52:00.000-07:00

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with wornout tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on";

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son!

2010-08-21T20:17:00.000-07:00

old people and facebook

a hilariously entertaining combination

2010-08-20T06:52:00.000-07:00

the last two days have been unexpected.
there have been surprises from students
and surprises in me
unexpected reactions, assumptions and realizations

it's quite an adventure

i love looking at the wall of 15 girls all in black and pink doing the exact same thing

achestopbreathe

2010-08-17T16:45:00.000-07:00

i cannot describe this day
i will not try
my head is full
my heart is secure
i know i will do it

there is always a sadness in change
masked in joy and anticipation though it may be
and sorrow must be lived out
anguish must be softened into
must be learned from
and grown because of

melancholy finds me
and stays
shaping me into the next portion of myself

i am content to walk through
to not run away
but accept and learn from as much as possible
to envelope and incorporate
every experience into myself

opening more and more to who i will become

yes.

2010-08-14T09:36:00.000-07:00

it's been a trying week
many decisions
lots of jet lag
very little sleep
much pain and happiness
unnumbered tears

your prayers are appreciated

2010-08-09T06:26:00.000-07:00

i made it to jackson
and i am relieved and overwhelmed
so much to do!

for my non-fb friends

2010-08-05T06:53:00.000-07:00

today was even more absurd then the other days i've tried. the line to check in wrapped entirely around the huge check in counters and snaked out in a u-shape to keep from making a complete circle back to where it all started. so in short, i'm still in japan! dad is now trying to purchase a ticket for me for saturday. your continued prayers for my eventual arrival in jackson are greatly appreciated (as well as for money to take care of this). also, if you could pray that i don't start burning delta buildings, employees and planes upon my next venture to the airport, that would be wonderful. :-D

in happier news, i had a wonderful time riding in the car with andreas and isaac today. they held my hands most of the way there. i know these precious times won't last too much longer. they are growing up so fast!

trying to stay positive.

2010-08-04T09:01:00.000-07:00

tonight micah bought a headband thing and was trying it on around midnight. she got carried away and did full makeup on her face. she's crazy.

the captions are dad's running commentary at 1 am.

"micah, just from the neck up,you're freaking me out.
i don't know where you came from."

"i think you might be adopted. did you
know...(proceeds with mostly unrelated topic)"

(abandoning previous topic)
"...but you know, you look the most like uncle frank..."

ah, so much fun to stay up late and laugh.

2010-08-03T20:35:00.001-07:00

refusing stress and accepting peace.

walking not flying

2010-08-03T05:55:00.000-07:00

not getting on flights is a stretching experience for my control freak tendencies

ticked off at how powerless i am

i've come home to wait it out instead of spending money going back and forth to different places. i'm happy to be home. just not liking not knowing what's going to happen for certain.

me becoming ok with life in the dining room

reliance on god in my most helpless times is hard for me. highlights of my self reliance have been coming all too frequently for comfort and i am thankful for this opportunity to trust his plan and not mine. your prayers are coveted.

last act of service

2010-08-01T08:52:00.000-07:00

SOCKS!!!!!

(WE WON)

still repeating

2010-07-29T08:30:00.001-07:00

i felt the need to say it again.

to you

god has a plan for you
you and your dreams matter
you were made to succeed
you have what it takes

don't give up

he's home!

2010-07-29T05:35:00.000-07:00

our new little man whom i wrote about a month or so ago has come home
we've had another little guy staying with us. his name is (affectionately) bob
yesterday before the new guy came home, bob, at about 10.5lb seemed positively tiny
now, not so much.

baby S is only 4.2lb but doing remarkably well! he is COVERED in hair (sideburns already) and just adorable. please keep praying for him!

perfect morning

2010-07-28T17:33:00.000-07:00

blessed rain storm! we will be cooled...

2010-07-26T19:07:00.001-07:00

“Don’t say you don’t have enough time. You have exactly the same number of hours per day that were given to Louis Pasteur, Michaelangelo, Da Vinci, and Albert Einstein.” ~H. Jackson Brown

sometimes you need some beauty

2010-07-26T08:07:00.000-07:00

repetition

2010-07-25T07:20:00.000-07:00

god has a plan for you
you and your dreams matter
you were made to succeed
you have what it takes

no matter what i start out saying
this is where i arrive

a few shachah moments

2010-07-22T07:01:00.000-07:00

readiness

best lit cross of love i've ever done

photos courtesy of akiphotos.com

2010-07-19T18:46:00.001-07:00

don't be afraid.

philosophies of teaching

2010-07-15T00:38:00.000-07:00

"I regard it as the foremost task of education to ensure the survival of these qualities:
an enterprising curiosity,
an undefeatable spirit,
tenacity in pursuit,
readiness for sensible self denial,
and above all, compassion."
- Kurt Hahn

fail2010

2010-07-14T05:10:00.000-07:00

inundated with other people's ideas and philosophies on teaching
on ballet
on art
on life
i have lost myself
and in turn taught the worst class of my life

tomorrow i search for me

2010-07-12T04:39:00.000-07:00

i just finished making my first syllabus for the fall
i can't believe i'm doing this
pretending in a way
and knowing that god has so faithfully equipped me to go forward and...impart?
or something

i've been studying quite a bit
and have even been required to write a brief essay to fulfill hiring requirements
i feel like i'm in school again
much more than i did when i was actually in school

i've had the pleasure of again reading through some of agrippina vaganova's work
her insight into ballet
and my own application of how it all applies to real life
has been refreshing and eye opening
it fits into a neat and tidy box with parallels so parallel i cannot ask for more
god has been teaching me many things as i study the art and science of teaching this dance form

i leave you with this and a photo of my newest hero. i think we would have gotten on quite well.

"look at life all around; everything is growing, everything is moving forward. therefore i recommend... keeping in touch with life and with art."

2010-07-07T00:42:00.001-07:00

this is just the beginning

newman

2010-07-05T18:21:00.000-07:00

we have a new little man under our care
the circumstances surrounding him are awesome
we are marveling at god's goodness and plan
little man is in the hospital because he was too small at birth
he'll likely be there for a month or so
please pray for quick gaining of weight
protection against the enemy who already tried to devour his life
and no complications of any kind

he has no name yet
i'm rooting for zadok or ezekiel

2010-07-04T19:23:00.000-07:00

sleep has fixed most problems.
we all feel like humans again
even the babies needed rest

everyone except tom...who believes in napping for 3 hours at a time.

i dreamt that i was teaching at belhaven but everything was new and different and the kids were second graders with crazy parents. caleb was intimidating me (???) and the facilities were retarded with two classes in one room and living room furniture for barres with bottles that cut and parents threatening to sue.

dad asked sarcastically if i was stressed about all the changes in my life

then mom and dad asked together "why??"

and i laughed, explained my anxiety and felt better

in other news, we fixed rin's hairless problem.

off kilter

2010-07-03T00:01:00.000-07:00

the rains are here
it makes dancing difficult
it's hard to breathe in water

shota won't nap today

the skin on my hands and feet hate me

it's hard to function when a part of your epidermis is falling off

tomorrow will be better

2010-06-29T08:46:00.000-07:00

life seems to be coming together all of the sudden
strangely together
more then it has been in a while
i'm even getting glimpses of why i needed to leave
and why this is the better choice

so i'm excited about jackson, mississippi
and all the potential things ahead
even though mia and i may end up in an apartment instead of a duplex
:-)

2010-06-27T04:23:00.000-07:00

relationships are hard
especially as you get older
and even more so when you're the boss
or an authority figure

so often i just sit back and ask
what are you doing lord
and try to seek out the sin in my own life
that i may be without reproach in all things

but words hurt regardless
and when you love
it hurts more

life sucks sometimes.

2010-06-25T07:27:00.001-07:00

how quickly everything can be sent into a tailspin!

nine

2010-06-24T08:45:00.000-07:00

life continues on at a rapid rate
we're doing about three thousand things
and continually leaning deeply on jesus to be our strength and source of all things
i've been keeping my eye on things
on average i think we go through about 50-60 diapers a day
we wash 30-40 bottles/cups
we feed 30-40 times a day
medications are given 12+ times a day depending on who is sick
9 baths are given
5-8 loads of laundry are done
countless hours are spent patting, holding, consoling, loving and pouring into tiny beings
i quit counting how many times i pick up the toys that are endlessly scattered about
we watch "the wheels on the bus" too many times to count
the word "no" is uttered as often as we breathe
so are "i love you" and "you're such a good boy!"
we laugh often at the antics of the older ones
while marveling at the quick progress and growth of the littlest ones
life is certainly hilarious and amazingly involved

i fight to remember why we do what we do
and not get lost in the every day moments of meals, dishes and diapers
god is so good and tender and merciful

tomorrow a family gets the biggest blessing of all time
how very exciting

2010-06-21T14:11:00.000-07:00

it's six am
three babies fed
one suctioned
three changed
quarter bag of cheetos consumed
all back to sleep
how different life is
from all my expectations

for her

2010-06-20T08:39:00.000-07:00

Sickness beware,

I will be there,

Weakness watch out,

I'll be her crutch,

Sadness, oh you,
Can back away,

'Cause I'll keep her from your rain,

Anger, calm down,

I will stay my ground,

Fear, fear me,

dare not come near me,

Forget about failure,

Lose all the lies,

All you demons beware,

For her,

I'll be there.

-t.c.

2010-06-19T08:44:00.001-07:00

i have fallen off the face of the earth.

2010-06-14T22:25:00.001-07:00

i am learning a whole new side of tired

2010-06-03T17:01:00.000-07:00

1.Be Thou my vision, O Lord of my heart;
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art.
Thou my best thought, by day or by night,
Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light.

2. Be Thou my Wisdom, Thou my true Word;
I ever with Thee, Thou with me, Lord;
Thou my great Father, I thy true son;
Thou in me dwelling, and I with Thee one

3. Be Thou my battle-shield, sword for my fight,
Be Thou my dignity, Thou my delight.
Thou my soul's shelter, Thou my high tower.
Raise Thou me heavenward, O Power of my power.

4. Riches I heed not, nor man's empty praise,
Thou mine inheritance, now and always:
Thou and Thou only, first in my heart,
High King of heaven, my Treasure Thou art.

5. High King of heaven, my victory won,
May I reach heaven's joys, O bright heav'ns Son!
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,
Still be my vision, O ruler of all.

2010-05-16T20:52:00.000-07:00

welp, we're done. i can't believe it. i just can't believe it.

ache

2010-05-12T21:16:00.000-07:00

sometimes my spirit communicates so deeply beyond what my heart or mind is able to
and god knows the depths from which i am unable to cry or bleed or breathe
rest, sh. rest. quiet. today is enough. today i am enough. rest. sh. rest. be still.

2010-05-11T06:10:00.001-07:00

"Love is spontaneous, but it has to be maintained through discipline." -o.c.

2010-05-10T21:21:00.000-07:00

every day brings the same question

will you trust me today?

"less wrong"

2010-05-02T11:40:00.000-07:00

hands have reached for

always the easiest thing

time brings realization and decision

(reasoning constantly)

weighing, considering, alternating

at some point i stopped looking for what was less wrong

and started asking only for what was most right

the reaching stopped

the striving ceased

the rest set in

the peace began

now i wait

with hands flipped

accepting most right

with unexpected wonder

fruition

awe

relief

o v e r w h e l m

2010-04-26T20:15:00.000-07:00

after three weeks of doing almost nothing at work
thanks to some switching around of casts
i am now completely drowning in dances
intricate little movements and ideas
spastic heads and arms
tiny little gestures
i have no idea how they will ever clean it all up
we're ballet dancers. not movers.

but amy cain was lovely to work with
i want to move like her.

2010-04-26T06:49:00.000-07:00

"...i feel called to serve. something bigger than my little corner of the world"

this came from an abc drama i was watching. the man was talking about the military
but i think it's in all of us. we all desire something bigger than ourselves
we find it in different ways
ministry
art
productions
study
movies
families
etc.
etc.

what are you doing today that's bigger than you are?

2010-04-14T21:59:00.000-07:00

tomorrow i'm headed to wide open spaces
your prayers are coveted

spring time

2010-04-11T19:57:00.000-07:00

well. it's been an interesting couple of weeks!
the lord has taken me on some deep journeys
and i have learned anew what it means to depend on him for strength, wisdom, knowledge and timing.
the last one is especially challenging at times.

i am excited about life again
and i thank the lord for restoring my desire to pursue his presence with passion and freshness
his mercies are indeed new every morning

this week is going to fly by! mia and i are headed out of town from thursday to monday. please pray for safe travels and good time spent seeking the lord as we get away. i'm excited about some very uninterrupted time in the word and in his presence. we both have some decisions facing us about the future. i'm expecting to come home with renewed vision and clear yeses and nos. thanks to all of you who are praying for me. it has not gone unnoticed!

2010-04-09T07:05:00.000-07:00

homesickness overtakes me at the strangest times.
it's one of those things you assume you will grow out of
and are so surprised when you feel nauseated with sorrow for being away
i suppose you never grow out of wishing to be with those you love
today i'd really like to go home

akiphotos.com

2010-04-04T15:08:00.000-07:00

this is my inheritance
and i will not be denied!

2010-04-01T14:33:00.000-07:00

today has been
that's just it
it has been
without me and with me

people have asked
i have asked
people have understood
i feel happy again

**laura, this one is esp. vague for you**

2010-03-31T16:06:00.000-07:00

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness

for they will be filled.

2010-03-30T20:59:00.000-07:00

hope deferred makes the heart sick

so what does one do about the sickness of a heart?

significance is walking out the plan

2010-03-25T21:49:00.000-07:00

today at my banking and finance job i was talking to girl who has done little in her life except dance. on top of that, she's wanted nothing else. she's closer to thirty than not. so i think it's safe to say that for the last 20+ years she has desired only one thing. in her words today, she has achieved it and is now living her dream out. but at "close to thirty" she admitted that her body was giving out and she knew it wasn't going to last forever.

when pressed about what was next she finally, squirming, declared, "i don't want to think about it"

her situation was a familiar one. i've felt the same way many times in the last weeks. my questions recently have been these: what happens when your dream is ending? when you are without regrets, knowing you did it, but having no idea how to want anything else or look to a future without studios, classes and rehearsal? in our concentrated efforts of dreaming up futures for ourselves in one very specific realm, have we forgotten the very act of dreaming that led our lives for so long? and if so...what then?

i haven't personally been dealing with these questions, but rather watching those around me grapple with it. i didn't realize until today that the lord had prepared me from long ago to never have to face the possibilities of my dreams running out. it comes back to the fundamental desiring of the will of god first and foremost. otherwise your dreams can end and you'll be left with nothing but emptiness. it's scary not to know specifics like you may have at points in your life. to dream without boarders or known colors or shapes takes great courage.but on the same note, if you can achieve your dreams, you have dreamed much much too small.

his plan is INFINITE. the lord's dream for you is never ending and spills over into eternities we have not dared to consider. the more you do, the more there will be to do. the more of his will you desire, the more he will supply. but without first laying the foundation of his will in your life your dreams are empty, lonely and without any significance. perhaps more importantly, you are without significance. will you continue to dream? because his dream for you does not end. you are called to significance every day of your life.

do think about it

woe: great sorrow or distress

2010-03-23T16:17:00.000-07:00

criticism and a judgmental attitude are most often signs of insufficient time in the presence of god
like in isaiah 6, encounters with his presence produce a humility that cries "woe to me!" instead of the judgment cast for five consecutive chapters leading up to this realization.
an attitude of "woe to you and you and you and you" is changed in a breathtaking second as the lord's glory is beheld. humility and fear and trembling cannot be avoided. it is natural and correct to be overcome with his greatness and realize the uncleanliness of our own state...

I saw the Lord seated on a throne, high and exalted, and the train of his robe filled the temple. Above him were seraphs, each with six wings: With two wings they covered their faces, with two they covered their feet, and with two they were flying. And they were calling to one another:
"Holy, holy, holy is the LORD Almighty;
the whole earth is full of his glory."

At the sound of their voices the doorposts and thresholds shook and the temple was filled with smoke.

2010-03-20T06:06:00.000-07:00

the beautiful, historic theatre of san antonio is mean
unseen spirits wander around whispering
you will remember us. you will remember us
we indeed do as we inch out of bed
careful not to move too quickly
our stiff joints aching with the spirits' curses
knees swollen and ugly, ankles full of rocks
our vertebrae jammed into one another from too many jumps on the unforgiving surface
we will indeed remember the spirits of this stage

the beauty of the theatre belies the torture that awaits
the majesty of the majestic
the glories of old
the somewhat cumbersome ornamentation,
it's mesmerizing and all of it tells an untruth

and yet, somehow, we're all still so thrilled to be there
to bask in the pretentious falsehoods of this immortal splendor

come see ballet san antonio at the majestic theatre downtown tonight

laid down

2010-03-12T21:59:00.000-08:00

who am i to tell the lord that i will not be sacrificed for whatever the event, call, crusade or cause?

this life is, after all, not my own.

i decided that.

on desire and desiring his will

2010-03-10T20:48:00.003-08:00

The lord demands that we live in suspension between contentment and wanting more. But on an even deeper level, we are required to live pursuing only his will while simultaneously asking and (painful part) desiring specific things. Never are we allowed the complacency of simply asking for his will. We are required to ask for specific things, and even expect them, while keeping at the forefront of our hearts his will and desiring that above anything. This is hope. This is faith. This is expectancy with compliance and submission. It’s hard and it’s a fine line too easily crossed. Our hearts must be examined constantly for the Holy Spirit to maintain the proper balance.

But desire for specific, tangible experiences cannot ever be omitted from our lives. I expect to travel the world. I expect to bow before kings and queens. I expect marriage. I expect children. I expect many many things. And in these often-painful expectancies, I desire to desire his will above anything in this world. I haven’t mastered this yet.

03071985-03072010

2010-03-08T19:57:00.000-08:00

today i've just been going back and forth between
how did i get here??
and where am i??

birthdays are always funny things for me.
it takes a bit of time to settle into my new skin

2010-03-06T07:46:00.000-08:00

true dreaming doesn't even begin until we desire nothing but the will of god

preparations

2010-03-03T21:38:00.000-08:00

today i thought maybe, for real
i wouldn't dance any more
and the rush of tears surprised and confused me

i was at the pt and we came to the conclusion that my body simply isn't made for this
and that's why the same things hurt over and over

even though we all know it won't last forever
and we've considered in our minds life without it over and over
somehow today it was actually a real possibility
...if you want to get out of bed without pain in the future maybe it's time...
powerful words

i honestly thought i would be ready to walk away at any moment
apparently not...

i'm not quitting any time soon, i just realized it's time to start taking into account the fact that it will be over much sooner than anticipated.
i always deal with things way in advance before they happen so that when they do i can walk through them relatively smoothly.
god is infinitely gracious to begin to prepare me for this now.

any way

2010-02-26T07:17:00.001-08:00

i love you anyway
not ever because

2010-02-16T20:42:00.000-08:00

leftover questions

2010-02-14T19:51:00.000-08:00

and who's going to fix my heart, god?

2010-02-09T11:36:00.001-08:00

sometimes you can feel yourself becoming stupid and that is a frustrating feeling.

chasing the dream

even if it doesn't fix a thing

resonance

"I live in the creative world of possibilities!my head in the clouds, my body in a nightmare"

calling

momma knows best

comfort

feet

cost

unbroken

adulthood

i've got nothing

resonance

i feel

look!

H. Thompson

if--r. kipling

achestopbreathe

for my non-fb friends

walking not flying

last act of service

still repeating

he's home!

perfect morning

sometimes you need some beauty

repetition

a few shachah moments

philosophies of teaching

fail2010

newman

off kilter

nine

for her

ache

"less wrong"

o v e r w h e l m

spring time

significance is walking out the plan

woe: great sorrow or distress

laid down

on desire and desiring his will

03071985-03072010

preparations

any way

leftover questions

"I live in the creative world of possibilities!
my head in the clouds, my body in a nightmare"