"He'll teach you to breathe somewhere else"

i was reading through a journal from my first year back at BU.
i wrote over and over again about how i couldn't breathe.
i don't know what i meant exactly. but i'm afraid of the same thing happening again
i spoke to sonny about it.
"if i can't breathe..."
i was texting with mia last night. each of us in our own rooms, a few feet apart. we are funny.
i asked what would happen if i couldn't breathe when i moved
her response was profound
and opened my eyes to the process that i have gone through many times before without realizing the circularness of it.
great change has come with each move and each new overarching situation i find myself in.
it begins with a season of being unable to breathe, then a greater level of dependence on jesus as i gasp for air.  from there comes a new understanding of myself, my insecurities, my sin--dealing with the things that clog my airway. finally a time of repentance, refreshing, change--the air is clear, my lungs are full. and usually, i move again.
i've worked through so many things in my life this way.
i hope it's not my pattern forever--but i'll take it if that's what keeps me moving forward. 

stay with me

i'm so not good at this leaving thing
trying to figure out how to deal with the relationships i have no confidence in
the ones that will get lost in the every day
in the fullness of tomorrow
careers, relationships, dances, experiences, marriages, children

so.many.tears.

then i remember the ones that have never gone away
through countless experiences and time
through "divorces" and silences
through lots of words
through so much distance