the difference between
                    i love you, but
and
                     i love you, so/therefore

profoundity

O listen -
Listen more carefully
To what is inside of you right now.
In my world
All that remains is the wondrous call to
Dance and prayer
Rising up like a thousand suns
Out of the mouth of a
Single bird.
—Hafiz

"He'll teach you to breathe somewhere else"

i was reading through a journal from my first year back at BU.
i wrote over and over again about how i couldn't breathe.
i don't know what i meant exactly. but i'm afraid of the same thing happening again
i spoke to sonny about it.
"if i can't breathe..."
i was texting with mia last night. each of us in our own rooms, a few feet apart. we are funny.
i asked what would happen if i couldn't breathe when i moved
her response was profound
and opened my eyes to the process that i have gone through many times before without realizing the circularness of it.
great change has come with each move and each new overarching situation i find myself in.
it begins with a season of being unable to breathe, then a greater level of dependence on jesus as i gasp for air.  from there comes a new understanding of myself, my insecurities, my sin--dealing with the things that clog my airway. finally a time of repentance, refreshing, change--the air is clear, my lungs are full. and usually, i move again.
i've worked through so many things in my life this way.
i hope it's not my pattern forever--but i'll take it if that's what keeps me moving forward. 

stay with me

i'm so not good at this leaving thing
trying to figure out how to deal with the relationships i have no confidence in
the ones that will get lost in the every day
in the fullness of tomorrow
careers, relationships, dances, experiences, marriages, children

so.many.tears.

then i remember the ones that have never gone away
through countless experiences and time
through "divorces" and silences
through lots of words
through so much distance

i am off to korea. hard to believe how fast everything is flying by!
your prayers would be so appreciated!

"...since our souls will neither die nor be silent"  -mgp

living with desire is excruciating.
but perhaps the only way to know that there is life in my blood.
so i continue forward
noting with unprecedented certainty that each jab of the knife i hold to my own heart and am commanded to live with is an indication of my well being
till i have it all (at the end/beginning)
this is my burden

everything is rapidly changing
coming to an end
wrapping up
finishing
and starting.

it's overwhelming. i see it in the faces of my students
they're dragging. heart and brain on the floor
i forget how hard it is to uproot for the summer

we leave for korea in a few days
i'm excited (and packed!)
it's the weirdest trip i've ever been on
not in charge but not a "student"
not sure what i am these days-dancing and teaching

last month i was on an "i hate all forms of dance" kick
now look at me
every day. hours and hours
with young people who seem to have boundless energy
and so many issues!! they are always stressed about something
i wish i could tell them to calm down
the stuff is going to be there whether they fret over it or not...

there are a good many things i wish i could say to them
or rather, that i wish they could hear
but all in good time. i say it any way, hoping it will come back as needed
funny how you hear and accept better as your experiences multiply

"that body you're so concerned about, it keeps changing forever. don't get used to it. and don't be upset about it. take care of it."
"your friends, they change too. hold on loosely. the important ones won't go away"
"learn to be alone. it will only serve you in the future"
"life's about a good number of things. stop trying to sum it up with your experiences. there is so much more"
"put the work in. don't complain. the right results will find you with ample opportunity at the right time"
"dream/imagine/hope/ask/persist. sometimes it hurts like hell. there is nothing more worthwhile"

in other news, wedding plans are coming along. moving plans are coming too.
grades are done and will be in in a few days
choosing to remain calm and simply keep moving forward is my every day discipline
my house is an explosion of things-keep, give away, find an owner, throw away
i cannot wait to settle again...and with this guy, no less.
my cup is running over

3.26.12

My dad wrote this in his newsletter this morning. It was so incredibly sweet I decided to post it here so I will remember. :) 

 

Dear Friends & Family,

     We would like to announce that Mr. Sonny Sweatt has obtained favor from the Lord by finding himself an excellent woman to wed--our daughter, Elizabeth!  Sonny faithfully served our family, church, and Loving Decisions (Ai no Kesshin) for almost 3 years.  We were very pleased to hear of their engagement last Monday night on a tiny island in a small lake in Mississippi complete with candle light and fireworks (upon Elizabeth's acceptance of Sonny's proposal!)  They hope to be wed by the end of the year.  Sonny is teaching English about 1 hour from us and Elizabeth will move back to Japan this June.    

the place you are right now, god circled on a map for you.  -hafiz

it seems i am churning out dances as quickly as possible these days.
one after another
the dams have broken and they keep coming
different, unique, interesting, time consuming, fun
i look at it like collage-ing.  piecing together moments that have already lived. resuscitating movement
i'm often surprised by the new colors created by new combinations...old combinations...it's all blurry at this point
there really is nothing new under the sun

"the good artists borrow, the great artists steal" it's uncertain if picasso really gave us this quote, but it has none-the-less shaped and molded my sense of creation. i unashamedly take what i like, rearrange and reorganize it to fit my body and to fulfill my conceptual needs. i am liking what is being birthed, rather rapidly, after what seems like years of labor pains.

now to nurture this baby and watch it turn into who it was meant to be.

commitment

thinking about how frustrating death is
i realized that god is frustrated by the separation that is life now
the same way that we are frustrated by the separation that death causes.
so death is exciting for him
he's looking on now, waiting for that moment etched in eternity before time
when he finally gets to wrap his arms around you and look at you,
to tell you everything you couldn't hear before,
to walk with you through each question
and watch you take it all in.
laughing, so excited for you to enjoy what he prepared way before you got there

i am so very envious of those who have gone before

mismatched newlyweds

Like

A pair

Of mismatched newlyweds,

One of whom still feels very insecure,

I keep turning to God

Saying,

"Kiss
Me."

-Hafiz

ABC seems to believe we cannot and will not escape who we are.
i suppose without intervention, this is true.

on this day when everything seems wrong
god is still good
on this day when the phone rings and my head goes hot and my body cold with dread
god is still lovely
on this day when my heart hurts for the broken things and the broken people
god is still holy
on this day when i'm certain nothing can fix the overwhelming number of messed up situations
god is still enough. enough to cover my sin and theirs. enough to fix, mend and heal.

i will rest in that