calling

tonight we were discussing eph. 2, i think, maybe 4. but either way, it was talking about being "worthy of the call" and everyone began discussing what our callings are/were. i think we think in terms of smaller, more practical things like vocation, location, etc. and these things are def. not insignificant. but i wonder what kind of people we would become if we understood that our calling in life, above all else is to love jesus. and the rest is a loss. a loss...can we possible grasp that. the ways and places  in which we are to love jesus will come and fall neatly in place as we worry less about them and concentrate only on loving jesus.

momma knows best

spent the evening on the phone with my mother crying my eyes out
she said everything i knew in my heart that i simply couldn't bring myself to believe
she re-instilled in me the confidence she had built over the years of my childhood
she reminded me who i was and who i wasn't and who i should expect to be
she told me everyone is broken and i shouldn't let that break me
she apologized for life being hard and told me it would get easier
she encouraged my heart and told me i am excellent for trying
she said that through my work i would feel his delight
she reminded me to always think on what is good--esp. about those around me
she insisted that i encourage everyone and build them up--this is the only way you will feel good about yourself
she sympathized with and laughed at my tears
she held me with her words and mended me with her wisdom

i would be lost without her

i miss the semester. my children. ballet. teaching. planning. the stress. i am so looking forward to august...
i'm about to start traveling for the summer. it is my lot in life and i am embracing it while i still have this freedom (there is nothing pending that would keep me from travel, just to be clear). eventually i think i will feel the need to get a "big girl job" and work through the summer. i am happy for the experiences that are about to take place. for the dances i will take on and people i will meet. but there is a tug in my heart to stay put. it is growing. every year. 
i am slowly but surely getting everything accomplished to go. house is becoming organized, bags are getting packed, errands run and people are being put in place to take care of things while we are away. i am learning choreography for the seattle portion of my trip, buying necessary items for the japan part and getting my body in order for the rest of it.  etta james, frank sinatra and michael buble are the soundtrack to the summer.
i now have a meeting that will change the face of my life for the fall. more reconfiguring in my brain tonight, i imagine. life is an endless reconfiguration to our expectations. i don't know why it still catches me off guard. "prepared" is a figment of my imagination. of all of our imaginations. trust. higher power. goddess. spirals, not circles. we get a little closer each time around.

cheers

strange things happen when your wants begin to change. a lifetime of habitual thinking has to be overhauled. the heart has to learn a new way to rest/feel anxious. old fears disappear while new ones begin to formulate. it's like an emotional adventure. a few bumps and bruises along the not-so-smooth path. hopefully worth it when you finally begin to see what you really wanted all along.