dad just told me about a woman named alice who was their "help" when he was a child.
i knew it was closer than i thought...

even if it doesn't fix a thing

"i'm happy" she says
i can only see sadness in her eyes
not sure what injured her once upon a time
worried that she'll chase empty things and never realize who she is
i've seen it before
in the eyes, the dancing, the fears
even in the way they love

i wish i had a word for it that satisfied me
but i don't
i think "broken"
but it's too shallow, not enough to make them miss the whole point
unaffirmed
perhaps yes...but how is that less shallow than broken?

and then i see

this is my do over
this is where i get it right
finally

resonance

my friend whit posted this quote by his dad on fb this morning. 

"I live in the creative world of possibilities!
my head in the clouds, my body in a nightmare"  

oh christian, it is not death to die. -j.p.

i.love.teaching.ballet.

i remember vaguely feeling this way last fall. but i mostly remember being terrified by all the newness of my job and feeling deeply the fear my students were enduring being in a completely new environment. i see the nerves and fear in my dear little freshies this year. bless their hearts. i'm hoping and praying that my security  in who i am and what i have to offer eases the tension sooner than last year...

it was eye opening last spring when one of my girls asked, "so, do you like this class now?" what do you say to that? i never disliked it...i was just trying to find myself, i suppose. i have formed a deep bond between those kids with whom i traveled that path of firsts. i love them fiercely and they love me. i will do anything in my power to see them succeed in all that God has for them.

looking around my room of aspiring ballerinas (and my hilarious boys who are talented, but so clueless...) today i was reminded of how far my kids from last year had come. there are a thousand nuances, ideas, concepts and pet peeves to be learned by my new kids. i felt so overwhelmed, i simply skipped certain exercises (like frappes, for example) deciding they needed small doses of ms. gordon at a time. dissertations on the importance of the wrapped foot can wait. i want so badly for them to stay open and ready to receive what i have to offer. the differences in how we teach at bu compared to what most of them have received is often a turn off and i see the hardness to new ideas in the beginning. i encountered more attitudes today than i hope to for the rest of the year. i am amazed at what boundaries, spoken or not, do for the insecure, stone faced, high noses i usually encounter on day one. under that exterior is usually a frightened little dancer eager to please and improve. 

 the blossoming process, though sometimes long and drawn out, is so very rewarding. for now i'm in a frenzy to learn their names before ballet mag starts and i have a new set of 30 girls staring at me in (sweet ;) defiance.

i kind of set out to articulate within this post the joys of working within one's anointing and calling...oh well. i'll try again another day. i have a lot to say about that "sweet spot" idea.

no guilt in life, no fear in death.
these words have been running in circles in my head.

also

i saw a poster that said:
the meaning of life
1. be happy
2. make other people happy

and it got me thinking...in what way can i sum up the meaning of my life so simply?
this is what i came up with...kind of the culmination of my experience with the lord this summer (intense study and life based on phil. 3)
the meaning of my life:
1. love God
2. help others to love God

first day of school tomorrow. *excited*

i had nightmares all night
of babies being shot before my eyes
nephews being ripped away
mothers crying

and oddly...twins. adult twins talking to their mother

i woke up breathing hard with tears running down my cheeks...confused
until i opened my blog
please pray with me

http://rachelsuzking.blogspot.com/

i wrote this 4 years ago today

"it's like casting your net out and waiting to see what comes back.
you absolutely know there is so much out there
but you have no idea what's going to come floating in
tangled up in the net of emotions, circumstances and times
you just wait for the net to get so heavy that you're about to drop it
and then you pull, knowing it's going to be full and beyond what you imagined"

today my heart rejoices in his goodness, and my cup is running over, and my imagination has been blown repeatedly

“A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, 

and his punishment is that he sees the 

dawn before the rest of the world.”

 Oscar Wilde

calling

tonight we were discussing eph. 2, i think, maybe 4. but either way, it was talking about being "worthy of the call" and everyone began discussing what our callings are/were. i think we think in terms of smaller, more practical things like vocation, location, etc. and these things are def. not insignificant. but i wonder what kind of people we would become if we understood that our calling in life, above all else is to love jesus. and the rest is a loss. a loss...can we possible grasp that. the ways and places  in which we are to love jesus will come and fall neatly in place as we worry less about them and concentrate only on loving jesus.

momma knows best

spent the evening on the phone with my mother crying my eyes out
she said everything i knew in my heart that i simply couldn't bring myself to believe
she re-instilled in me the confidence she had built over the years of my childhood
she reminded me who i was and who i wasn't and who i should expect to be
she told me everyone is broken and i shouldn't let that break me
she apologized for life being hard and told me it would get easier
she encouraged my heart and told me i am excellent for trying
she said that through my work i would feel his delight
she reminded me to always think on what is good--esp. about those around me
she insisted that i encourage everyone and build them up--this is the only way you will feel good about yourself
she sympathized with and laughed at my tears
she held me with her words and mended me with her wisdom

i would be lost without her

i miss the semester. my children. ballet. teaching. planning. the stress. i am so looking forward to august...
i'm about to start traveling for the summer. it is my lot in life and i am embracing it while i still have this freedom (there is nothing pending that would keep me from travel, just to be clear). eventually i think i will feel the need to get a "big girl job" and work through the summer. i am happy for the experiences that are about to take place. for the dances i will take on and people i will meet. but there is a tug in my heart to stay put. it is growing. every year. 
i am slowly but surely getting everything accomplished to go. house is becoming organized, bags are getting packed, errands run and people are being put in place to take care of things while we are away. i am learning choreography for the seattle portion of my trip, buying necessary items for the japan part and getting my body in order for the rest of it.  etta james, frank sinatra and michael buble are the soundtrack to the summer.
i now have a meeting that will change the face of my life for the fall. more reconfiguring in my brain tonight, i imagine. life is an endless reconfiguration to our expectations. i don't know why it still catches me off guard. "prepared" is a figment of my imagination. of all of our imaginations. trust. higher power. goddess. spirals, not circles. we get a little closer each time around.

cheers

strange things happen when your wants begin to change. a lifetime of habitual thinking has to be overhauled. the heart has to learn a new way to rest/feel anxious. old fears disappear while new ones begin to formulate. it's like an emotional adventure. a few bumps and bruises along the not-so-smooth path. hopefully worth it when you finally begin to see what you really wanted all along.

The love of Christ in its sweetness, its fullness, its greatness, its faithfulness, passeth all human comprehension. Heaven on earth is abounding love to Jesus. This is the first and last of true delight to love him who is the first and the last. To love Jesus is another name for paradise.

comfort

Death be not proud, though some have called thee
Mighty and dreadfull, for, thou art not so,
For, those, whom thou think'st, thou dost overthrow,
Die not, poore death, nor yet canst thou kill me
From rest and sleepe, which but thy pictures bee,
Much pleasure, then from thee, much more must flow,
And soonest our best men with thee doe goe,
Rest of their bones, and soules deliverie.
Thou art slave to Fate, Chance, kings, and desperate men,
And dost with poyson, warre, and sicknesse dwell,
And poppie, or charmes can make us sleepe as well,
And better then thy stroake; why swell'st thou then?
One short sleepe past, wee wake eternally,
And death shall be no more, death, thou shalt die.
(emphasis mine)

Haikus are easy
But sometimes they don't make sense
Refrigerator

reflecting on this day i'm finding it interesting that i know two young men who share my birthday and both have the name joseph. "joseph" has been spoken over my life since i was 15 years old. march 7. it's a dreamer day.

i am reminding myself today that the student who stands with arms crossed, staring at me with challenging eyes and weight dropped into one hip as i explain concepts and ideas of movment is simply overwhelmed with insecurity and uncertainty about all that is being asked of her. i will embrace this insecurity and do all that is in my power to free her from it by supplying the information that is missing.

breathing in and out helps in this process. the arms are still crossed at week 4.

Staring at her amazing work and thinking that maybe this isn't it either. Hm.

feet

i look down in rehearsal and class and see my brother's feet
attached to my body
moving, sometimes awkwardly against the floor
against gravity

it's odd to see someone else's body part on myself
but they just don't look like mine any more

why, i wonder, is it that new things still have the ability to knock the wind out of me and render me scared out of my mind?