Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness

 

      for they will be filled.

hope deferred makes the heart sick

so what does one do about the sickness of a heart?

significance is walking out the plan

today at my banking and finance job i was talking to girl who has done little in her life except dance. on top of that, she's wanted nothing else. she's closer to thirty than not. so i think it's safe to say that for the last 20+ years she has desired only one thing. in her words today, she has achieved it and is now living her dream out. but at "close to thirty" she admitted that her body was giving out and she knew it wasn't going to last forever. 

when pressed about what was next she finally, squirming, declared, "i don't want to think about it"

her situation was a familiar one. i've felt the same way many times in the last weeks. my questions recently have been these: what happens when your dream is ending? when you are without regrets, knowing you did it, but having no idea how to want anything else or  look to a future without studios, classes and rehearsal? in our concentrated efforts of dreaming up futures for ourselves in one very specific realm, have we forgotten the very act of dreaming that led our lives for so long? and if so...what then?

i haven't personally been dealing with these questions, but rather watching those around me grapple with it.  i didn't realize until today that the lord had prepared me from long ago to never have to face the possibilities of my dreams running out. it comes back to the fundamental  desiring of the will of god first and foremost. otherwise your dreams can end and you'll be left with nothing but emptiness. it's scary not to know specifics like you may have at points in your life. to dream without boarders or known colors or shapes takes great courage.but on the same note, if you can achieve your dreams, you have dreamed much much too small.

 his plan is INFINITE. the lord's dream for you is never ending and spills over into eternities we have not dared to consider. the more you do, the more there will be to do. the more of his will you desire, the more he will supply. but without first laying the foundation of his will in your life your dreams are empty, lonely and without any significance. perhaps more importantly, you are without significance. will you continue to dream? because his dream for you does not end. you are called to significance every day of your life.

do think about it

woe: great sorrow or distress

criticism and a judgmental attitude are most often signs of insufficient time in the presence of god
like in isaiah 6, encounters with his presence produce a humility that cries "woe to me!" instead of the judgment cast for five consecutive chapters leading up to this realization.
an attitude of "woe to you and you and you and you" is changed in a breathtaking second as the lord's glory is beheld. humility and fear and trembling cannot be avoided. it is natural and correct to be overcome with his greatness and realize the uncleanliness of our own state...

I saw the Lord seated on a throne, high and exalted, and the train of his robe filled the temple. Above him were seraphs, each with six wings: With two wings they covered their faces, with two they covered their feet, and with two they were flying. And they were calling to one another:
       "Holy, holy, holy is the LORD Almighty;
       the whole earth is full of his glory."

 At the sound of their voices the doorposts and thresholds shook and the temple was filled with smoke.

the beautiful, historic theatre of san antonio is mean
unseen spirits wander around whispering
you will remember us. you will remember us
we indeed do as we inch out of bed
careful not to move too quickly
our stiff joints aching with the spirits' curses
 knees swollen and ugly, ankles full of rocks
our vertebrae jammed into one another from too many jumps on the unforgiving surface
we will indeed remember the spirits of this stage

the beauty of the theatre belies the torture that awaits
the majesty of the majestic
the glories of old
the somewhat cumbersome ornamentation,
it's mesmerizing and all of it tells an untruth

and yet, somehow, we're all still so thrilled to be there
to bask in the pretentious falsehoods of this immortal splendor 

come see ballet san antonio at the majestic theatre downtown tonight

laid down

who am i to tell the lord that i will not be sacrificed for whatever the event, call, crusade or cause?

this life is, after all, not my own.

i decided that.

on desire and desiring his will

The lord demands that we live in suspension between contentment and wanting more. But on an even deeper level, we are required to live pursuing only his will while simultaneously asking and (painful part) desiring specific things. Never are we allowed the complacency of simply asking for his will. We are required to ask for specific things, and even expect them, while keeping at the forefront of our hearts his will and desiring that above anything. This is hope. This is faith. This is expectancy with compliance and submission. It’s hard and it’s a fine line too easily crossed. Our hearts must be examined constantly for the Holy Spirit to maintain the proper balance.

But desire for specific, tangible experiences cannot ever be omitted from our lives. I expect to travel the world. I expect to bow before kings and queens. I expect marriage. I expect children. I expect many many things. And in these often-painful expectancies, I desire to desire his will above anything in this world. I haven’t mastered this yet. 

03071985-03072010

today i've just been going back and forth between
how did i get here??
and where am i??

birthdays are always funny things for me.
it takes a bit of time to settle into my new skin

true dreaming doesn't even begin until we desire nothing but the will of god

preparations

today i thought maybe, for real
i wouldn't dance any more
and the rush of tears surprised and confused me

i was at the pt and we came to the conclusion that my body simply isn't made for this
and that's why the same things hurt over and over

even though we all know it won't last forever
and we've considered in our minds life without it over and over
somehow today it was actually a real possibility
...if you want to get out of bed without pain in the future maybe it's time...
powerful words

i honestly thought i would be ready to walk away at any moment
apparently not...

i'm not quitting any time soon, i just realized it's time to start taking into account the fact that it will be over much sooner than anticipated.
i always deal with things way in advance before they happen so that when they do i can walk through them relatively smoothly.
god is infinitely gracious to begin to prepare me for this now.