disjointed and about to leave

we're heading out! mom, ako, meg and i are still up and sewing...well, i'm not sewing exactly.
it's hard to believe the lord expects us to pick up and leave in the midst of so much...trauma...
mom has talked to me a lot, trying to help me work through the emotions and whatnot evoked by te-chan's dear death experience and (perhaps more traumatic) the actions of the ambulance people. praise the lord for her.
she is my hero
i'm changing. i feel it. the feelings that well up in me when i realize that these children have no one to fight for them except us...it's strange and unexpected.
i'm changing.
in regards to my outburst (s) at our "help", i didn't think i had it in me either, sonny. lol.

i'm gonna miss this place

i expect much from these acts of obedience

pause

we almost lost one of our little guys today
there is nothing as terrifying as the blue of death on a little lifeless body
just yesterday we videoed him laughing hysterically at being tickled
the world stopped for a moment today
before it pounded forward with tiny heart beats
he's on a respirator and there's been no swelling on his brain
his pupils undialated. he's sedated.
i cried and cried as i was allowed to stand over his bed in the ICU
a thousand i'm sorries don't change anything
it wasn't anyone's fault. i know i know
how do you cope with something that was so preventable
there's a reason, there's a reason
i think we've learned quite a bit about the medic system here
maybe we can help change that in some small way
maybe maybe maybe

train wreck

looking at old pictures and remembering
realizing things that i have never seen
wondering if knowing then would have been easier
if i would have grown differently
i'll never know

i just know today is hard

it's official
she's coming with us!
and we all need money!
please pray for us!

pattern (s)

i think a lot of times in my life i pray for things and come up with fantastical ways that god could answer, only to realize that the answers are right in front of my face.

i'm excited about this turn of events.

the upside of down

the hardest most rewarding assignment